Skan replied

533 weeks ago

For those not familiar with GM Dave, he had a blog for ffxi, and it was very funny… below is one of his blogs, please enjoy and feel free to lol…

You Are Not Special
Alternate Title: "Well… maybe Short Bus special."

Okay. I'm sure in your little world, you're very, very important.

Yes, yes. Your mom thinks you're cool.

But I hate to tell you this, but your problems are not that important.

They're not. At all. Important. Not important. At all.

Do you understand?

Before you can even send a GM call, a warning screen pops up to tell you that GM calls are only to be made for serious emergencies. Serious emergencies.

The petty annoyances of your day ARE NOT EMERGENCIES!

I swear to God if I have to listen to one more vapid, conceited moron complain about not getting parties, or having missed an airship, or whatever other stick they have up their ass, I'm going to set the servers on fire.

And no, I don't mean Fire IV or Firaga. I mean I will douse them in kerosene and light those babies up.

Let's see if getting lost in Eldieme Necropolis is a major emergency when the harddrive your character is on turns into so much melted plastic and charred metal.

I have major things I have to do during the day. I have people with actual problems that I like to help.

Also, I have about 100,000 retards that need to be injested by a dragon.

I like that, too.

So, your piddly little problems are really not worth my time. REALLY.

Accidentally dropping something valuable is not an emergency.

Wondering which day comes after Firesday is not an emergency.

Forgetting the way to Boyahda Tree is not an emergency.

Sorry. I meant (( The Boyahda Tree )).

I was just about to end a very late shift, when I got a GM call.

Well… it wasn't so much a shift as me clocking in and then running through Dynamis on my main character.

Why I checked the GM call queue, I'm not sure.

Apparently, I'm a masochist.

Sadism and masochism. Yeah, I'm happy about where I am in life. Good times.

GM Call Description: I'm being harassed through tells.

Always with the harassment.

If people actually got "harassed" as much as GM calls would make you think, we'd have to add a new restraining order command.

But, alas, I just had to stop and look at this car wreck…

… I mean respond to this call.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer. Yada yada yada.
[GM]Dave>> What do you want?
Player>> Other players are harassing me through tells.
[GM]Dave>> Suuurrrrrrrrre they are.
[GM]Dave>> How many people?
Player>> 7, I think. Or 8.
[GM]Dave>> Okay, that sounds kind of serious.
[GM]Dave>> What kind of tells are they?
Player>> They just keep badgering me over and over.
Player>> And asking the same questions.
[GM]Dave>> That does sound like harassment.
[GM]Dave>> Let me check the logs.

*minutes pass*

[GM]Dave>> They were asking you to party.
Player>> I know.
Player>> I didn't feel like partying.
[GM]Dave>> They were asking you TO PARTY.
Player>> I know. And they wouldn't stop.
[GM]Dave>> Let me ask you something:
[GM]Dave>> Are you retarded?
Player>> What?!
Player>> HOW DARE YOU?
[GM]Dave>> It's okay.
[GM]Dave>> I'm totally cool with the Retarded.
Player>> I'm not retarded!
[GM]Dave>> And you guys have your own Olympics.
[GM]Dave>> Sure, there's an asterisk next to your record.
[GM]Dave>> But still.
Player>> I'm not retarded!
[GM]Dave>> Am I talking too fast for you?
[GM]Dave>> Or my words. Are they too big?
Player>> STOP IT!
[GM]Dave>> That's good. That's very, very good.
[GM]Dave>> Use your words.
Player>> STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT!
[GM]Dave>> I'm having trouble understanding you.
[GM]Dave>> Is your Mommy or Daddy there?
Player>> I'M 27!!
[GM]Dave>> Like I said: is your Mommy or Daddy there?
Player>> I HATE YOU, YOU BASTARD!
[GM]Dave>> That's a very big word.
[GM]Dave>> I'm proud of you.
Player>> GET ME ANOTHER GM!
Player>> I'm filing a complaint against you!
[GM]Dave>> Let me guess.
[GM]Dave>> For harassment.
Player>> YES!
[GM]Dave>> I can transfer you to the complaints manager.
Player>> YES! RIGHT NOW!
[GM]Dave>> No problem.

*warp*

[GM]Dave>> Given your "special" circumstances…
[GM]Dave>> I've contacted our "Alternate Ability" councillor.
Player>> What?!
[GM]Dave>> Sorry. Big words again.
[GM]Dave>> I called the "guy in charge of the retards".
Player>> I'M NOT RETARDED!
[GM]Dave>> It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Player>> Would you like to be called retarded?
[GM]Dave>> Oh, HELL NO!
[GM]Dave>> That's not even funny.
Player>> Then why do you think I'm retarded?
[GM]Dave>> Well you did ask to see the complaints manager.

Jormungand hits Player for 10,113 points of damage.
Player was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Seems awfully retarded to me.

Honestly, just because something annoying happens to you, it doesn't make it an emergency.

And when you make a GM call about it, your stupid annoyance becomes my stupid annoyance.

And then I'll give you a damned emergency.
If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything!

Skan replied

532 weeks ago

Here is the one with the Ban Stick…

[GM]Dave Takes Care of His Own
I was having a bad morning.

And when GMs have a bad morning, people die.

After dealing with umpteen thousand idiots asking me the most asinine questions, I was ready to snap. It was as if the entire collective stupidity of Vana’diel was reaching out and pushing on my last nerve.

But what could I do to alleviate my stress?

Let’s consider my options:


a) Random bannings

Always fun and entertaining. Watching people scream and cry as you take away all of their virtual worldly possessions and then kill their character is comedy gold.

Unfortunately, I was in the mood to see stupid people suffer and with random bannings you cannot be sure they deserve it.

They usually do, but it does take some of the joy out of it.


b) “Adjust” mob levels
Again, entertaining. Changing a mobs level and watching parties try desperately to beat them is just funny.

You know that one mob that just seemed much harder than usual, the one that ate your whole party.

Yeah, that was me.

Maybe later.


c) Kill some gilsellers
Here we go. There’s no way to go wrong with this one.

It’s always hilarious and you are always guaranteed to be killing an idiot. Plus, watching a gilseller suffer just makes you feel better about yourself.

Kind of like the world’s average IQ just went up a little.


And with that, the decision was made.

But where would I find a gilseller?

Stop laughing at that question.

I didn’t want your random run of the mill gilseller. I wanted to catch someone in the act and make them suffer.

And let other players watch them suffer.

I mean what is suffering without an audience?

Then it happened. The tiny ding sound that signaled a GM call has arrived. The sound that I both despise and fear.

GM Call Description: Team of gilsellers camping Poisonhand Gnadgad

It was perfect.

It was as if a million gilsellers suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

*GLEE*

I quickly warped over to Cerberus server to “take care” of the situation.

Let's see… player's name is Goby…

Goby on Cerberus server…

Why does that sound familiar?

I did a quick check of my list and that's when I saw the name.

He's a member of my fan club.

Oh, man, did those gilsellers pick on the wrong guy.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Yada yada yada
[GM]Dave>> Where are they?
Goby>> They’re right by the spawnpoint.
Goby>> I think they may be using bots, as well.

Botters and gilsellers. This just keeps getting better.

I should check though.

[GM]Dave>> How do you know they’re gilsellers?
Goby>> Well…
Goby>> They offered to sell us gil.
Goby>> That was my first clue.
[GM]Dave>> Subtle.
Goby>> Oh, yeah.
Goby>> It was like cracking the Da Vinci Code.
[GM]Dave>> Is there anyone else there to verify this?
Goby>> My friend Imagin is here.
Goby>> He’s helping me camp.
[GM]Dave>> Perfect.
[GM]Dave>> Now, we can handle this a few different ways.
Goby>> Go on.
[GM]Dave>> I can fill out a report and they may be banned.
Goby>> Not bad, I guess.
[GM]Dave>> I can temp suspend them and make a report.
Goby>> That won’t do very much.
[GM]Dave>> Or we could just ban them.
[GM]Dave>> And delete their characters.
[GM]Dave>> And cancel their content IDs.
[GM]Dave>> And ban their IPs.
Goby>> You can do all that?!
[GM]Dave>> Of course.
[GM]Dave>> I call it the “Deluxe Package”.
Goby>> Is that everything?
Goby>> You don’t burn down their house as well?
[GM]Dave>> We’re working on that for the next expansion.
[GM]Dave>> So which should we do?
Goby>> Oh… well… umm… gee…
Goby>> BAN THEM!
[GM]Dave>> That’s it.
[GM]Dave>> Give into the dark side.
Goby>> Can I watch?
Goby>> PLEASE?
[GM]Dave>> I have a better idea.

[GM]Dave has requested to trade with you.
Trade completed.

Goby>> What’s this?
Goby>> It looks like a Wooden Katana.
[GM]Dave>> Read the description.
Goby>> A BAN STICK?!!!
[GM]Dave>> Hope you like it.
Goby>> How do I use it?
[GM]Dave>> I set your account to PvP.
[GM]Dave>> Now, you just hit them.
Goby>> That’s it?
[GM]Dave>> Yup.
[GM]Dave>> I could stand behind you and make sound effects.
Goby>> Uhh… the stick of doom should do nicely.
Goby>> Thank you.
[GM]Dave>> I thought so.
[GM]Dave>> Have fun.
Goby>> I AM BECOME DEATH INCARNATE!

This guy went bat shit crazy.

Imagine a hyperactive kid. Now, imagine you gave that kid lots of sugar. Now, imagine you injected him with adrenaline. Now, imagine it was Christmas morning. Now, imagine you told him the people around him were walking piñatas filled with candy.

That’s about what happened.

He started running around swinging at any gilseller that stepped in his path. Names went gray and bodies disappeared like snowflakes in July.

It was beautiful.

It actually got a little hard to follow because he was running so fast. He looked like a hummingbird on crack.

Then, his job done and the gilsellers gone, he walked back to me.

Goby>> OMG! That was fun!
[GM]Dave>> It looked fun.
Goby>> Did you see that one guy? The THF?
Goby>> Did you see him try and run?
[GM]Dave>> They always run.
Goby>> That was AWESOME!
[GM]Dave>> I knew you’d enjoy it.
[GM]Dave>> There are a few problems though.
Goby>> Really?
Goby>> Like what?
[GM]Dave>> You know that last guy you banned?
Goby>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> That was Poisonhand Gnadgad.
Goby>> Oh.
Goby>> My bad.
[GM]Dave>> And you know the guy you banned before him?
Goby>> Kind of.
[GM]Dave>> That was your friend Imagin.
Goby>> Oh damn.
[GM]Dave>> Yeah.
[GM]Dave>> His 75 Dragoon is now a smouldering pile of ruin.
Goby>> Sucks to be him.
[GM]Dave>> Have you ever considered becoming a GM?

After taking back the ban stick (which I had to forcibly remove from his inventory because he didn’t want to give it back), we bowed and parted company.

All in all, I was having a much better day.
If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything!
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